Feb 20th From: 02/13/18
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. For those who haven’t stopped at CVS to buy a gift on the way home from work yet, quick reminder, no grown woman wants a stuffed animal.
I have a theory. Valentine’s Day was made up by the greeting card companies to trick you into telling your wife you love her.
The worst part of Valentine’s Day is when you call to order flowers and you order the flowers and the guy on the other end of the phone says, “What would you like your card to say?” You should say something romantic or poetic but in order to do that you have to dictate it to a stranger.
Which is not comfortable. I mean, “Dear Kathy, I love you. You mean the world to me. Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, Snookie Bear.” It’s a violation is what it is! See, these are the jobs we need robots to take from us.
The White House is releasing their own line of cards this year. Have you heard about this? That’s because we made it up. Funny, we’re at the point where anything is believable.
Here are some of the cards they’re offering. It’s best-seller comes from President Trump. It says, “I flip for you.”
Donald Trump Jr.: “I’ll be thinking of you from prison” or “I love you like daddy loves Jared.”
Jared has a card that says, “You make my cold dead stare come alive.”
Melania has a good card: “Whatever Michelle Obama said last Valentine’s Day.”
Mitch McConnell: “I’m gonna move on you like a Mitch.”
And finally, Trump’s Valentine, good old Vladimir Putin: “I can inject you into my Olympic team because you are dope!”