The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This morning President Trump tweeted that his border wall is going to be built out of old fences. Which explains why today, millions of Americans walked out of their homes and said, “Where the hell’s my fence?”
Ivanka Trump said that she doesn’t speak out against her dad publicly because “when you’re part of a team, you’re part of a team.” I think what she meant to say is “when you’re part of a will, you’re part of a will.”
After meeting with Democratic leaders, it seems like Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, “Yeah, we told him it stood for Doughnuts Across America.”
Target announced that it will hire 100,000 seasonal employees during the holidays. Ten of them will be on the register; the rest will wander around saying, “I don’t work in this department.”
I read about a brother and sister in Michigan who reunited after 50 years apart. Unfortunately, it was on Tinder.
Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. However, Weiner insisted he’s still going to keep his [private parts] public.
President Trump was very busy all night tweeting about Hillary Clinton. And as a result, Melania Trump spent this morning thanking Hillary Clinton.
Trump supporters are outraged over the president’s recent reversals on immigration. This is the first time they’ve ever been this angry at a white male.
President Trump now says he wants the wealthy to pay more taxes and undocumented minors to be allowed to stay in the country. Then, this morning, Trump accused himself of being born in Kenya.
Facebook is under fire because, during last year’s election, Facebook sold lots of ad space to Russia. Facebook said the problem has been fixed. Now they’re selling that ad space to a really nice lady named Isis.
The U.S. government has announced a deal to sell 18 fighter jets to Canada. The jets will help Canada protect itself from its most hated enemy: bad manners.
Security experts are now keeping a close eye on the rise of Osama bin Laden’s son. Even worse, they say Osama bin Laden Jr. may be working tighter with his siblings Eric bin Laden and Ivanka bin Laden.
The Late Late Show with James Corden
Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi had dinner with Donald Trump and they said that they struck a deal regarding immigration and border security that might not even include the wall Trump keeps promising. Yeah, at the dinner Pelosi and Schumer had the chicken, while Trump ate his words.
I’m kidding! What they actually served — and this is true — they served Chinese food and chocolate pie. And you thought Democrats and Republicans don’t mix well.
Chinese food and chocolate pie — now I get it, Trump wasn’t trying to negotiate with them, he was trying to kill them.
Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody.
Then today, Trump tweeted today that there is no deal with the Democrats. So now I’m confused. Trump changes positions more than the porn stars that Ted Cruz watches on Twitter.
So Trump goes one way, then he abruptly goes the other way, then swoops around in a completely different direction for no apparent reason. Which is also what he tells the guy cutting his hair.
But Trump did try to reassure his supporters by tweeting this: “The wall, which is already under construction in the form of new renovation of old and existing fences and walls, will continue to be built.” Now I’m sorry, you cannot fix an existing wall and then say that you built a wall. That is not how it works. That is like taking $14 million from your father and saying you are a self-made businessman.