The Late Late Show with James Corden
Today was the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump winning the presidency. I want to put politics aside for a second and say on behalf of everyone: Oh my God, how has it only been a year?
Now the traditional one-year anniversary gift is paper. So if you want to get Trump something, you can't go wrong with a federal indictment.
Yesterday was an awful day for Trump and the Republicans at the polls. Ed Gillespie, who was running for governor of Virginia, lost his race. He had been heavily endorsed by Donald Trump for a month. Trump had been doing tweets and everything. Now, if you expected Trump to distance himself from Gillespie immediately after the loss, you are wrong. Trump waited a full 28 minutes before he distanced himself.
He tweeted: “Ed Gillespie worked hard but did not embrace me or what I stand for.” He waited 28 minutes before tweeting that. He's like the Domino’s pizza of backstabbing. He will betray you in 30 minutes or less.
Trump's turned on yet another Republican. At this point there are now fewer people on the Trump bus than there are under it. Trump said that Gillespie never embraced him. The problem is not that Ed Gillespie never embraced Trump. The problem is that Trump's father never embraced Donald Trump.
If you felt in the past 12 months — which many of us have, loads of us have — that the country is going backyards, last night I felt that we were all given a little bit of hope because minority candidates had some historic wins nationwide. Like for instance, Hoboken, New Jersey, elected its first Sikh mayor. Helena, Montana, elected the first black mayor in the state's history. Seattle elected its first lesbian mayor. And in response to this, Trump has announced a temporary ban on all mayors.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today, Twitter doubled the amount of characters you can use from 140 to 280 characters. I think this means Twitter is now Facebook, right? They're basically the same thing — or is it possible there is anyone on the planet who thought, "You know what this year needs? More Twitter."
President Trump is either going to have to quit Twitter or someone is going to have to teach him more words.
I know it sounds crazy but I think I'm going to miss the way Trump would post a tweet that ended with “dot, dot, dot…” and we'd have to wait 23 minutes to see what the rest of his angry sentence was going to be. Now all that drama is gone.
Twitter decided to double the character limit on the same day Trump arrived in China, one of the only places on Earth where it is illegal to use Twitter. His little thumbs must be going wild.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last night, Danica Roem became Virginia's first openly transgender person elected to the House of Delegates, defeating Robert Marshall, a conservative Republican who wrote a controversial anti-LGBT bathroom bill. So bad news, Robert. She did get to choose her own bathroom, and she chose the one in your old office.
President Trump tweeted today that, quote, "NoKo has interpreted America's past restraint as weakness. This would be a fatal miscalculation. Do not underestimate us and do not try us." Strong words — except for NoKo. You're trying to talk about an existential threat to the world. Don't make it sound like a cool New York neighborhood.
President Trump and first lady Melania attended an opera performance with Chinese President Xi and his wife today in Beijing’s Forbidden City. Man, it makes me so happy to know that Trump had to sit and suffer through a Chinese opera tonight. That is his nightmare. I really hope Hillary's backstage right now living the life he wants to be living, eating a Big Mac and watching a Knicks game just to rub it in.