Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump held a press conference Friday where he announced that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. Said Trump, “I hope that settles the issue. That Muslim was born here.”
Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light.
The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.”
Miami started a citywide ban on Styrofoam this weekend. Because if you’ve ever been to Florida, you know they have a huge problem with white trash.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
This weekend some jerk placed pressure cooker bombs in a couple different places around New York City. Thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. At this point, can't we assume that any New Yorker buying a pressure cooker is up to no good? No one who lives here cooks.
In fact, if you don't have a Seamless account, the FBI has some questions for you.
One reason that more people weren’t hurt is that this jerk left duffel bags on the street, and two of the bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags. Because, as all New Yorkers know: If you see something, steal something.